Disclaimer: Spoilers. Kind of. I think. They’re not really spoiler spoilers because they don’t give away much. I sort of allude to stuff. You know what this ain’t my struggle; I’ve seen the film already, you should too.
No one I’ve heard of or care about.
Before I go on to explain the plot, I must confess I don’t like horror films. I find them quite dull; the characters aren’t interesting enough to keep me hooked, and the scare tactics are often easy to predict. So going into Blair Witch my expectations were already low but somehow I was still disappointed.
For those of you who saw the Blair Witch Project* you’ll remember the character Heather, who, like her friends, never resurfaced after their hunt for the Blair witch. Because intelligence runs in their family, Heather’s younger brother James decides to go to the same woods Heather disappeared in because he believes he can find her. James and his friends Lisa, Ashley and Peter follow up a lead they get from this seedy-looking-confederate-flag-having-satanic-paranormal-enthusiast Lane** and his girlfriend Talia. Lane found some video footage supposedly filmed by Heather while she and her friends went looking for the Blair witch many years prior. It’s this found footage that motivates the events that culminate.
Love is a strong word but there is one part of the film that intrigued me. At the start of the film, James and his friends watch the footage Lane found and there’s a moment when the person filming runs past a mirror. James suspects this person to be his sister; however, it is revealed that the person in the reflection wasn’t Heather, but rather James’ friend Lisa. So essentially, the footage they watched at the beginning is the same footage that Lisa films just before she dies.***
- In typical horror film fashion, the black characters were the first to go. I’ll say no more…
- It took too long to set up the storyline. I guess they wanted us to understand the characters as people in order to empathise with them later but it didn’t work. Instead, we spent too much time watching these no names with so-so acting abilities doing mundane things.
- They’re fantastic fools. Who asked them to traipse through the woods for someone who’s been gone for years based on a blurry image in a YouTube video? Where were their parents and friends to tell them not to do this****?
- The only bits that really creeped me out were the scenes with Ashley and her busted foot. She cut it walking across this river and it got all infected and then a demon or something started living in there but they never really explained what it was.
There was no substantial dialogue to accredit
I actually tried to fall asleep at one point. I have only ever done that once before which was during ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’.
Because of that I give the film:
*I confess I am not one of them…
** He goes by DarkNet666blog… why would they venture into the woods with a satanist? They’re stupid
*** I know, what a plot twist. Now I’m sure you’re wondering how did Lane possibly have this footage? I don’t know and I don’t care to think about it but this theory site could have the answers.
**** Let’s not forget James’ parents have now lost both their children because of the Blair witch. You kind of have to question their parental skills.